Grandma. I miss you. None of this feels how I thought it was going to feel. My brain can hardly process the fact that you are gone forever. It’s like I’m protecting myself from feeling it. I really miss you, I would give anything to go to your house and have you open that door, instead of Grandpa, as much as I love him, it’s you that I want to see. Everything feels so empty now, all of your things are at the house and you are not. I peeked into your room the other day and I’m certain that I was expecting to see you laying in that bed because I was surprised and disappointed when I saw that you were not there.
I just can’t understand this, Grandma. Cancer deaths are so different in the movies, it’s such a lie. You did not have something wonderful to say before you died, you didn’t just magically die right after you said your last goodbyes. You suffered, your whole body just fell apart… You were throwing up blood, you were in pain, you couldn’t even really swallow. Now you’re just gone. The strongest and most beautiful person I knew, gone. All of that life and courage and love, just gone. When I really think about the fact that I’m never going to see you again I feel like I’m suffocating because this is not a reality I ever wanted to face. I thought I could prepare myself for this, but I couldn’t have. I just want to hear your voice, I want to see your face. Everyone says you feel your loved one with you after they die, but I don’t. I don’t feel you with me at all. I wish I did, because life without you is too hard and sometimes I just don’t want to be a part of this world without you.
I love you.